Hm, haven’t written the date much this year, but there it is! 2012.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before here that every new year at my church we do this thing called a “Star Service”. I won’t dedicate this post entirely to that, but in short: There are nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit. They are, in no particular order, Joy, Love, Peace, Goodness, Gentleness, Self Control, Patience, Kindness, and Faithfulness (Galatians 5:22-23). Every year, we print out these gifts onto paper stars. These stars are placed into a basket, and everyone picks, without peeking of course, a star for the year. It is quite amazing how each of these beautiful and unexpected gifts seem to play out in each of our lives every year. It is a learning experience, and often, a sitting back in awe experience. We also hold a tradition of letting those who are brave enough have a chance to share their experience of the passing year. These stories are nearly always awe-worthy. While it is obvious that some stars often seem to be more desirable or less than desirable than others (Patience? Self Control? What is God trying to tell me?!) it’s good to remember that they are in fact gifts, and most folks know what the real idea was by the time the year is coming to a close, and generally, this is a very good thing.
Well, anywho, in the past five or so years I have gotten an interesting array of stars. Last year I had Self Control…for the second time in a row. Each year it really did mean something different, though. Simply put, in 2011, I grew. A whole bunch. Which I suppose I honestly have been doing this whole journey. I figured out that I really did (kind of) have control over myself…but more specifically that I can push forward when I think I have nothing left to give. In 2010 I stopped hurting myself, in a lot of different ways. I struggled, but I made it. I can’t say much more about that besides: “Self Control”, indeed. In the years prior to 2010, I received Gentleness and Patience; one of which of those I believe I also received more than once (I will be honest though, and say that my math and memory are both not exceptional). Well, it would be too long of a story to try to think back and explain those guys, but let’s jump forward: to the present. 2012.
This year, I got “JOY”…and I wept a few tears of glee, I admit. What a beautiful gift, not that the others weren’t, but…again, honestly, Joy? I’ve never picked a star like this before, although I personally don’t think I have “picked” any of them… 
My star for the year alongside Matthew's
I have a good life, and I try not to complain about it, because I am SO blessed, and I know that it is easy to take that for granted, but there have definitely been some struggles in the past few…er.. okay, several years. Yeah, there has been some serious misfortune, turmoil, not just for me but for my whole family… but I feel that I have overcome so much pain…and God, I am so grateful. I am honestly just so amazingly grateful for all of my strength and wisdom that I have been granted through all of this…as well as the Patience and Gentleness with myself and the world and the Self Control that I so desperately needed to understand. Even though sometimes it is quite clear that all of my dark days are not over, and perhaps won’t be for a quite endless stretch of time, (and hell, I am still the most impatient person on this planet!) yet I know that there is so much beauty in my life and throughout the world and I thank God for opening my eyes up a little bit wider every day to it all.
“Joy”…JOY…
What is in store for me this year? I know many of my close friends and family have already insisted that it must have something very specific to do with my dear boyfriend, Matthew, but I won’t go into that here because, well, I want it to happen and I am not going to go jinxing it here and now by posting it in a public journal! But my goodness, Matthew, the past 5 or 6 or however many years we have been a pair, well I don’t know how I could have spent them without you, and I’m up for it all with you, but you know this, and well, I know the same of you-so really I know the Joy that you bring to my life already. Hell though, any more that you could bring me would be icing on the cake, love.
As for everything else in my life, I am in a very weird place. I have a lot of confusing decisions to make, and a great deal more striving to go in order to achieve my goals. I am terrified, and I have been a lot more sloth-like than I would like to admit these past few weeks. I am in a weird place school-wise, wrapping up my Associates degree and trying to get everything straightened out to continue on with my Bachelors, with many bumps in the road and even more anxiety. I am in a perhaps weirder place career-wise as I am starting a new (VERY part-time) job, but still trying to find a second job that makes sense with the first one. 2012 has already been just plain strange and uncomfortable and confusing and terrifying, but here I am just waiting for and pushing for it to all fall into place, and maybe I just need to remember my Patience, Gentleness, and Self-Control during this time so that I will continue to feel Joyful.
At this moment I am feeling so many things, not excluding eagerness, as I continue on my path. I am now a substitute teacher at the preschool and kindergarten program that is run at my church, which is very cool and very exciting but also may very seldom give me work. This means for now I must continue to look for additional work. I also seem to be going through some pretty dramatic spells in which I find great anxiety and heartache about what my life is about, what it is supposed to be about, where I am going, and what the big picture is anyway…you know, just some light stuff! I feel the desperate need to create and share, but I can’t find comfort in any specific outlet and seem to be left wanting. Quite frankly, I am scared shitless of not finding my place in the world, and I mean that so much that it truly aches. Yet, here I am, writing, and maybe that feels right. I certainly feel Joy in these words right now, so I will embrace them, try to soak it in, and perhaps let this urge guide me to continued productivity. Or perhaps I will sit in my slump a bit longer; I can’t foresee every piece of the future. Maybe tomorrow I will still continue to feel tired and confused and weak and scared; it could continue much longer even. But I do know that I will pull out of it in time, and I hope to be stronger and more Joyful and I wish for the result of all this weirdness to be bright and comprehend-able and right.
What is in store for you this year? (Not really a fair question; How should you know?!) How about: What do you want in 2012, or what do you feel that you need? How are you feeling about your life right now?
I admit I do have a list of “Resolutions” but they are really just happy goals. I have a “Life List” too, with less time-specific aspirations. I recommend both of these to anyone. You can check out some of my dreams and whatnot at 43 Things, and tell me what you think:
Here are some of my 2012 goals, and here are some of my life goals @ 43things.com!
Thanks for reading, everyone!
Copious amounts of love,
Dani(osaur)
