I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before here that every new year at my church we do this thing called a “Star Service”. I won’t dedicate this post entirely to that, but in short: There are nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit. They are, in no particular order, Joy, Love, Peace, Goodness, Gentleness, Self Control, Patience, Kindness, and Faithfulness (Galatians 5:22-23). Every year, we print out these gifts onto paper stars. These stars are placed into a basket, and everyone picks, without peeking of course, a star for the year. It is quite amazing how each of these beautiful and unexpected gifts seem to play out in each of our lives every year. It is a learning experience, and often, a sitting back in awe experience. We also hold a tradition of letting those who are brave enough have a chance to share their experience of the passing year. These stories are nearly always awe-worthy. While it is obvious that some stars often seem to be more desirable or less than desirable than others (Patience? Self Control? What is God trying to tell me?!) it’s good to remember that they are in fact gifts, and most folks know what the real idea was by the time the year is coming to a close, and generally, this is a very good thing.

Well, anywho, in the past five or so years I have gotten an interesting array of stars. Last year I had Self Control…for the second time in a row. Each year it really did mean something different, though. Simply put, in 2011, I grew. A whole bunch. Which I suppose I honestly have been doing this whole journey. I figured out that I really did (kind of) have control over myself…but more specifically that I can push forward when I think I have nothing left to give. In 2010 I stopped hurting myself, in a lot of different ways. I struggled, but I made it. I can’t say much more about that besides: “Self Control”, indeed. In the years prior to 2010, I received Gentleness and Patience; one of which of those I believe I also received more than once (I will be honest though, and say that my math and memory are both not exceptional).  Well, it would be too long of a story to try to think back and explain those guys, but let’s jump forward: to the present. 2012.

This year, I got “JOY”…and I wept a few tears of glee, I admit. What a beautiful gift, not that the others weren’t, but…again, honestly, Joy? I’ve never picked a star like this before, although I personally don’t think I have “picked” any of them…

My star for the year alongside Matthew's

I have a good life, and I try not to complain about it, because I am SO blessed, and I know that it is easy to take that for granted, but there have definitely been some struggles in the past few…er.. okay, several years. Yeah, there has been some serious misfortune, turmoil, not just for me but for my whole family… but I feel that I have overcome so much pain…and God, I am so grateful. I am honestly just so amazingly grateful for all of my strength and wisdom that I have been granted through all of this…as well as the Patience and Gentleness with myself and the world and the Self Control that I so desperately needed to understand. Even though sometimes it is quite clear that all of my dark days are not over, and perhaps won’t be for a quite endless stretch of time, (and hell, I am still the most impatient person on this planet!) yet I know that there is so much beauty in my life and throughout the world and I thank God for opening my eyes up a little bit wider every day to it all.

“Joy”…JOY…

What is in store for me this year? I know many of my close friends and family have already insisted that it must have something very specific to do with my dear boyfriend, Matthew, but I won’t go into that here because, well, I want it to happen and I am not going to go jinxing it here and now by posting it in a public journal! But my goodness, Matthew, the past 5 or 6 or however many years we have been a pair, well I don’t know how I could have spent them without you, and I’m up for it all with you, but you know this, and well, I know the same of you-so really I know the Joy that you bring to my life already. Hell though, any more that you could bring me would be icing on the cake, love.

As for everything else in my life, I am in a very weird place. I have a lot of confusing decisions to make, and a great deal more striving to go in order to achieve my goals. I am terrified, and I have been a lot more sloth-like than I would like to admit these past few weeks. I am in a weird place school-wise, wrapping up my Associates degree and trying to get everything straightened out to continue on with my Bachelors, with many bumps in the road and even more anxiety. I am in a perhaps weirder place career-wise as I am starting a new (VERY part-time) job, but still trying to find a second job that makes sense with the first one. 2012 has already been just plain strange and uncomfortable and confusing and terrifying, but here I am just waiting for and pushing for it to all fall into place, and maybe I just need to remember my Patience, Gentleness, and Self-Control during this time so that I will continue to feel Joyful.

At this moment I am feeling so many things, not excluding eagerness, as I continue on my path. I am now a substitute teacher at the preschool and kindergarten program that is run at my church, which is very cool and very exciting but also may very seldom give me work. This means for now I must continue to look for additional work. I also seem to be going through some pretty dramatic spells in which I find great anxiety and heartache about what my life is about, what it is supposed to be about, where I am going, and what the big picture is anyway…you know, just some light stuff! I feel the desperate need to create and share, but I can’t find comfort in any specific outlet and seem to be left wanting. Quite frankly, I am scared shitless of not finding my place in the world, and I mean that so much that it truly aches. Yet, here I am, writing, and maybe that feels right. I certainly feel Joy in these words right now, so I will embrace them, try to soak it in, and perhaps let this urge guide me to continued productivity. Or perhaps I will sit in my slump a bit longer; I can’t foresee every piece of the future. Maybe tomorrow I will still continue to feel tired and confused and weak and scared; it could continue much longer even. But I do know that I will pull out of it in time, and I hope to be stronger and more Joyful and I wish for the result of all this weirdness to be bright and comprehend-able and right.

What is in store for you this year? (Not really a fair question; How should you know?!) How about: What do you want in 2012, or what do you feel that you need? How are you feeling about your life right now?

I admit I do have a list of “Resolutions” but they are really just happy goals. I have a “Life List” too, with less time-specific aspirations. I recommend both of these to anyone. You can check out some of my dreams and whatnot at 43 Things, and tell me what you think:

Here are some of my 2012 goals, and here are some of my life goals @ 43things.com!

Thanks for reading, everyone!

Copious amounts of love,

Dani(osaur)

Ultimately, it is what I want to do.

Here is what else (some words that I less wrote that more so escaped):

I see you. You’re depressed. You’ve been hurt. You are broken. I love you. It’s going to be okay. I’ve been you; I am you.

I want to reach out and touch you because I know it feels impossible. I want you to know that you can grow stronger because of this. It isn’t your fault. You aren’t weak. You are strong and you are beautiful.

Listen to me! Don’t listen to them! Don’t listen to those that hate, that mock. You CAN make it. You CAN find happiness. It is okay to need help. It is okay to sometimes feel the way you do. It is normal. You are not bad; you are not wrong; you are not damaged; you are good. You know this; you want to know this.

Please, listen to me. Reach out to those around you. Reach out far. There is someone who wants you to be happy. They won’t always get it right, but there is always someone there who can help. They want to help, just like I want to help.

If I could, I would do all that I could to fix your life, but we are strangers only united by that idea. What I can do is maybe tell you honestly that I have been there, and some days, some months, some years, I still am. But I am still here. And I can do good. I can love. I do love. Very much. I think that it is worth something… I know I am worth something. And you are too, even though some days you don’t believe it, maybe even most days.

Please remember what I am saying. Remember what you read here; if you ever feel broken down, if you ever feel like you can’t make it. You can. You are beautiful and strong. This is important.

Reach out to me, reach out to anyone. You matter. You are loved. You are important.

Love, love, and more love,

Danielle

These things. Seriously, please someone get them away from me. Or maybe bring me some real food. This should be in a new series called “Seriously Guilty Pleasures…God I Just Hate Myself Right Now…Why Can’t I Stop Eating These…”.

What is really ironic is that I have been really sick lately and it is due to either (or both) stomach ulcers and a bum gallbladder (I’ll let you know after a pending ultrasound and endoscopy what it ends up being). And here I am, eating Cheese Balls. HA! Okay, no I’m not anymore; I stopped, I swear. What a good idea that was, though! Wow!’

Well anyway, let’s be honest guys, these things are freaking addictive, right? Why are they so good? And why such a big-ass enabling container? It just doesn’t seem fair; not for my health at least, or anyone else’s. These Cheese Balls are crazy.

–

Love,

Daniosaur

Here is what I will say: I miss writing to an audience. I get freaked out a lot and worry too much about people disliking what I have to say or just plain disliking me, but in the end I really love reaching out to you–yeah, you, right there, right now, reading my words. Thank you. You are absolutely phenomenal. Now here is what I am going to do: Shut up about my anxiety, shut up the whining about how I never blog and why I don’t blog and yada yada…and I am just going to jump back in, and see what happens.

Go.

So, I have 3 things I just want to share with you lovely, lovely people:

Numero uno:

I need to brag about how awesome my damn boyfriend is. Not only has he been my best friend and so much more than that for..hmm…about 5 years now (holy hell, really? wow, okay, gross–moving on), he is also, get this, a freaking spectacular guy, who does phenomenally cool things. (Can you believe he would stay with a lady like me, who embarasses him like this, for THAT LONG??) Any-who, cutting to the chase– My honey Matthew Tate (previously author of OverTheBoards and co-author of SportsDudes) is the new official Capitals blogger for Kukla’s Korner! Hell yes! Do yourself a favor, hockey fans, and go check that shit out. He does a damn good job. The only way I can see it getting even better is if he will go on and name me his official editor, because you know I just love fixing typos, and I am going to read every post anyway (and I am awesome! And modest!)! (Okay, he is actually pretty good with fixing them himself, don’t let my teasing make you think otherwise, I simply must poke fun.) So yeah, you won’t meet many men that know hockey like mine does (or sports for the matter) and you sure as hell won’t find many that know it and can write it. Click on some of those wonderful links and follow him through this upcoming hockey season and beyond. Go ahead and follow him on Twitter @FStreetTate to hear more sports and other good stuff. Oh! And follow me too @Danicngbarefoot!

Numero dos:

I just finished reading a really great book by Peggy Orenstein, also a pretty swell blogger–and basically if you are a mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandparent, women, or man, (or anything far off or in between) then I believe you should read it too. It is titled Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Girlie-Girl Culture. Orenstein gives amazing insight, advice, and eye-opening information. I simply loved it, and think this women is the bee’s knees.

And now, Numero tres:

My darling sister shared a delightful music video with me yesterday, and I think it is just fantastic, sends a great message, and is very catchy! Ladies, this is for you:

Love, Love, Love Your Vagina (Warning: If you find the title of the link offensive, aw hell, click it anyway you coward!)

Th-th-th-th-th-that’s all folks! Well, that’s all for now, anyway. Thanks for your time!

–

(Dani)osaur

Yeah, I know, not very original. What can I say though? The other day I was driving, iPod turned up, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how grateful I am for my frickin’ ears. No lie. I connect so much through music. I worship through it. I get filled up to the top with emotion when I am listening to something beautiful, something real. I think ears are wired right to your soul. Deep in there, too… not something you can just get rid of, not a wire easily cut. Maybe I should say “Ears” or “Hearing” is a simple pleasure…but seriously, I do not know what I would do if I couldn’t feel this way, with such a strong passion, brought to tears, brought to my knees, (or to my feet?) heart nearly bursting with feeling. There are few things this powerful. I would never give it up. Any of it. I think a huge dream of mine would be to sing and make someone feel this kind of passion listening to my voice, the same passion I feel when I sing. Music is absolutely brilliant. I always feel like that is when God is truly filling me up.

Ears = Awesome.

I hope everyone can appreciate the music that any artist makes, and feel this awesome about them sharing their story, talents & voice.  That would be pretty beast.

The End.

–

(Dani)elle

So, it’s a new year. Pretty insane that the last one went by so damn fast. I am looking forward to 2011. I want to talk more about it, but I haven’t really thought enough about all of the specific things I want to do, and I don’t really feel it necessary to give you a stereotypical “New Years” post with all of my resolutions. Although I may update my 43 Things and post the link later.

Oh, and I had a nice Christmas and New Years Eve. How was everyone else’s? Anyone else feel like by the end of the holidays, they have about a million posed pictures in front of Christmas trees? (I swear we have at least 7 additionally)

–

Dani

Oh Shit– PS!!: It’s my best friend’s birthday today… Happy Birthday, Kayleigh! I LOVE YOU! (She is the one in the right of the Snuggie..er..picture)

Vagina FTW.