You are important.

I may not be the best writer in the world. I may never get there. My blog is fluff most of the time; at least that is how I feel lately. That’s why I don’t write all that much anymore. There is one thing that I know; I am passionate. I… love. I am driven by this need to help people. Ultimately, maybe that is really what I want my writing to do.

Ultimately, it is what I want to do.

Here is what else (some words that I less wrote that more so escaped):

I see you. You’re depressed. You’ve been hurt. You are broken. I love you. It’s going to be okay. I’ve been you; I am you.

I want to reach out and touch you because I know it feels impossible. I want you to know that you can grow stronger because of this. It isn’t your fault. You aren’t weak. You are strong and you are beautiful.

Listen to me! Don’t listen to them! Don’t listen to those that hate, that mock. You CAN make it. You CAN find happiness. It is okay to need help. It is okay to sometimes feel the way you do. It is normal. You are not bad; you are not wrong; you are not damaged; you are good. You know this; you want to know this.

Please, listen to me. Reach out to those around you. Reach out far. There is someone who wants you to be happy. They won’t always get it right, but there is always someone there who can help. They want to help, just like I want to help.

If I could, I would do all that I could to fix your life, but we are strangers only united by that idea. What I can do is maybe tell you honestly that I have been there, and some days, some months, some years, I still am. But I am still here. And I can do good. I can love. I do love. Very much. I think that it is worth something… I know I am worth something. And you are too, even though some days you don’t believe it, maybe even most days.

Please remember what I am saying. Remember what you read here; if you ever feel broken down, if you ever feel like you can’t make it. You can. You are beautiful and strong. This is important.

Reach out to me, reach out to anyone. You matter. You are loved. You are important.

Love, love, and more love,

Danielle

An Update

After somewhat of a stressful afternoon, I made it to my psychiatrist appointment at 3:30 today.  It had been over a year since I had been in to see him, or seek any help, or take any antidepressants or sleep aids.  My anxiety and depression and my insomnia have been pretty bad lately, so this has been an issue.  Today I was put back on my prescription for both my sleep aid and my antidepressant, a lower dose than what I was taking, to start, but it is a start.  I shouldn’t still be awake right now, as I have taken my Trazodone, and should start to feel very drowsy soon, but it is going to take a while for my body’s internal clock to adjust again.  I am both excited and scared, but mostly I guess I feel relieved that I have taken this step.  I will not be receiving counseling, as my doctor as well as my previous therapist and I have all agreed that it is not necessary for me at this time.  Please pray for me for strength, and for clarity, and I will pray for all those who are going through the same sorts of problems.  I am sort of thankful I have gotten as comfortable with talking about this as I have, I know it is hard for nearly everyone who suffers from depression to speak up and ask for help, or feel okay and secure enough to talk about it with anyone.

I wish I could really talk about my experience today and how life has been altogether lately, but I started a bit too late this evening, I am feeling a little tired now and I think that’s my cue to lay down and shut my eyes, or at least read a few pages of my book until I pass out.  I am really hoping for a good night of sleep.

Good night, anyone who is actually reading this before bed.

–

Dani

Who Needs Sleep?

My insomnia seems to be back in full force. It has been hell trying to get to sleep nearly every night.

Although today was great, it should also have been tiring. Two cookouts with swimming and fireworks, chasing around my Goddaughter and keeping up with everything going on.. It is ridiculous that I can’t sleep. It is impossible to shut off a stressed and depressed brain though.

Depression sucks. And mine is getting worse. Night time is always the worst. Even if you aren’t alone, being the only one awake is excruciatingly lonely. Your thoughts turn against you, you think the worst of everything, and sometimes you get to that point of “There is nothing good in my life…I can’t freaking stand my life…I can’t take this anymore”–and of course the language and imagery are much more violently colorful in your mind–in my mind right now– and you just know (I just know) it is a bad night.

I can’t wait for my doctors’ appointment: a sentence I thought would never even cross my mind and yet I am typing it out for the whole Internets to see. Hah.

I guess I should be proud, that although I can not sleep to save my life, and I am horribly depressed, that I can now for the most part rationalize it. I still have suicidal urges, hell, I am convinced that once you think it once or maybe for long enough, that it never totally goes away– That is a door that once opened, you will never completely close– but now I can almost always know that doing anything to hurt myself is not logical and that I am not thinking correctly when I think those things. I mean, seriously, almost always. No one is always that logical. I have struggled with depression for about 6 years now though, and I am still a survivor.

I guess I am just saying, damn I really want to get back on my antidepressants and my sleep aid would be great right now, but hey at least I can tell myself that I want to live when I get suicidal? Lol.

Or this is just totally irrelevant rambling.  Still, I can praise myself for not killing myself when the chemicals in my brain tell me it’s a good idea even when I’m not on any meds, but, my depression still has way more of a hold on me than I wish it did.  Sometimes I think it will always be that way.

I can’t even sleep.  Can’t even stop thinking so much.

Lame.

–

Dani

Zoroastrianism

Health

Yesterday I made some calls to make doctors’ appointments that are long overdue.  Unfortunately, the doctor that I wanted to see as my primary/womens’  doctor, the same one who sees my mom and sister, is not taking new patients until August 25th. This is very inconvenient for me, especially because I have some health issues that I want to have addressed as soon as possible.

After I got off the phone with them I called my old Psychiatrist and set up an appointment to manage my depression and anxiety as well as my insomnia with him.  He is able to see me on Tuesday, thankfully.  I had been hoping to get this straight all with one doctor, but hopefully he can get me back on my old meds or something that will work a little better. Then, when I do see my new doctor, I should have  a better idea of what I need and she can just prescribe that.

Another concern is my chronic pain and numbness, which is probably caused by Fibromyalgia, which of course is a big problem in my family.  There isn’t a lot that can be done for treatment, but hopefully a prescription for a higher dose of ibuprofen could do me some good.  Thank God until then my insurance card still covers Icy Hot and Asper cream…who knows what I would do without the stuff.

I really hope my appointment(s) go well and I can overall have a better look on life and feel better about myself and about my life. I also need to make an appointment with my allergies& asthma specialist and get a refill for my inhalers as well as a new prescription for my allergies…I’ve been resorting to Claritin since I ran out of the stuff she gave me, but it is not doing anything anymore. I’m considering biting the bullet and asking her about allergy shots again. I have really heard mixed thoughts on whether they are worth it or not, but I need to make a decision within the next year or so as I’m not sure how long my insurance will cover it.

Oh, Also I need to get my wisdom teeth out and get a consult for invisilign hah.

This all is a big deal, the fact that I finally called and made the appointments, mostly because I’ve been putting some of this off for like the past year… Depression for one thing, is very hard to deal with… and there is a certain fear in being diagnosed with and/or treated for bipolar disorder or depression or an anxiety disorder… What if there is something really wrong with me? What if they can’t fix it? What if the meds don’t work, or don’t work again?  I mean, maybe part of it is because when I first really addressed the problem, talked to a therapist about it, at a time when I was having severe suicidal thoughts, I was a minor. And I went to the hospital.  I met some great people in the program, and started receiving some sort of treatment..but that’s about all the good that it did.  Something that “Level 5″ had wrong was a false idea that depression could be cured.  You convince ‘em you’re all better, they give you a discharge. BS. It’s not that easy, it’s never been that easy.  Some of it was more traumatizing than helpful at first.  And so how do you go back to a doctor and feel hopeful after that? And sometimes I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of, but it’s still hard to face the truth.  I’ve been so afraid to face my health problems that I’ve just been ignoring them, and that really can’t be a good thing.

I don’t know what the point of this is, but I suppose it has something to do with addressing problems and fears I think others might also have to deal with.  Or maybe I’m just trying to open up a little bit and let some of the stress out.  Sorry I gave you so much to read, if you stuck around this long, I thank you. “]

–

Dani

IDepression?

I have been struggling a good deal lately, but I feel I have also made progress in several areas of my life. For instance, I registered for classes. I am officially a college student, woo!

Here is the thing though, tonight is not a good night for me. I am upset because some close friends of mine really hurt me by all getting together and having a “girly’s day”, on Tuesday, and blatantly not inviting me. Things like this seem to happen to me a lot. I’m questioning what friendships really mean anything anymore, I am questioning whether to step back now, away from some and save myself from too much more hurt. I feel there have been so many situations like this one, or worse situations in the past that involved the same people. Or others, I suppose. A lot of people I am feeling a serious disconnect from, or have seriously been hurt by.

Basically, I am in a slump, relationship wise, at least. “And when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done” (-Dr. Seuss)
Alright, so that isn’t really what I want to talk about, although it is somewhat relevant(I swear!) in setting the mood for my struggle. What is really bothering me now, is something that came up a few weeks ago-when I was having an equally shitty night, just one of those nights- and has haunted me since.  Now, oftentimes I wear my heart on my sleeve-I’m pretty bipolar and can’t say I’m fully consistent in that respect, but it is likely that when I am upset, it will be obvious to you.  Also, having the anxiety disorder that I do, well, I’m pretty sensitive and have bad nights like these on a regular basis (depending on the definition of “a regular basis”). And finally, I will admit that sometimes with the personality type I have, my status updates on Facebook will reflect my mood, about the same deal as seeing me and speaking to me in person…honestly, I don’t mean to. It just happens.

Cutting to the chase– I post an update that is very simple, on a bad night “Danielle: is feeling sad.”…my first comment, a friend, who doesn’t see me or speak to me often;(in a nutshell:) “Oh, Danielle sad. I just thought that was how you always are”

Ouch. What more can I even say in this post? Just thinking about it again makes me cringe. I can feel tears welling in my eyes. Never had I felt so truly defined and defeated by my depression.

This is not all of me. There is more. I hope that no one else in the world, who is going through a hard time, or struggles from bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, etc, has to take to heart that people, even people who are supposed to be friends, are defining them by something that they so painfully are fighting and needing to break free from and are most likely already struggling not to define themselves by.

I am not just a loser, I am not a “debbie-downer”, I am not always unhappy, I am not a joke.

It is a struggle to believe these things myself, but I know they are true. When anyone is being pulled down by any struggle in their life, you do not have the right to define them by that alone.

And if you are the one struggling, please do not let anyone try to throw it back in your face.

I, for one, registered for classes today. I’m proud of myself. I also have had my feelings hurt within the past few days, and it doesn’t feel good…I’m reacting as such. This makes me human.