You are important.

I may not be the best writer in the world. I may never get there. My blog is fluff most of the time; at least that is how I feel lately. That’s why I don’t write all that much anymore. There is one thing that I know; I am passionate. I… love. I am driven by this need to help people. Ultimately, maybe that is really what I want my writing to do.

Ultimately, it is what I want to do.

Here is what else (some words that I less wrote that more so escaped):

I see you. You’re depressed. You’ve been hurt. You are broken. I love you. It’s going to be okay. I’ve been you; I am you.

I want to reach out and touch you because I know it feels impossible. I want you to know that you can grow stronger because of this. It isn’t your fault. You aren’t weak. You are strong and you are beautiful.

Listen to me! Don’t listen to them! Don’t listen to those that hate, that mock. You CAN make it. You CAN find happiness. It is okay to need help. It is okay to sometimes feel the way you do. It is normal. You are not bad; you are not wrong; you are not damaged; you are good. You know this; you want to know this.

Please, listen to me. Reach out to those around you. Reach out far. There is someone who wants you to be happy. They won’t always get it right, but there is always someone there who can help. They want to help, just like I want to help.

If I could, I would do all that I could to fix your life, but we are strangers only united by that idea. What I can do is maybe tell you honestly that I have been there, and some days, some months, some years, I still am. But I am still here. And I can do good. I can love. I do love. Very much. I think that it is worth something… I know I am worth something. And you are too, even though some days you don’t believe it, maybe even most days.

Please remember what I am saying. Remember what you read here; if you ever feel broken down, if you ever feel like you can’t make it. You can. You are beautiful and strong. This is important.

Reach out to me, reach out to anyone. You matter. You are loved. You are important.

Love, love, and more love,

Danielle

Simple Pleasure #4

This one is more like a simple guilty pleasure.  In honor of the new super-the-boiling-point-season, my ultimate guilty pleasure is…

Degrassi: The Next Generation

I don’t believe there is anyone who couldn’t enjoy a good re-run of Degrassi.  Or a good 3 hours of re-runs either.  This show is seriously enjoyable, and I know I am not alone when I say I am super-stoked for the new ridiculous season in which there will be a new episode every night mon-fri for the rest of the summer, and I have totally tuned in at least 3 out of 5 days of each week to watch a few episodes during their every-episode-ever-aired marathon.

Degrassi is the absolute top-dog when it comes to ridiculous high school shows.  What can I say? “It Goes There” .  No other show can be this outrageous and this Canadian and remain on the air with about a billion viewers for 10 years.  Did I mention this is their 10th season coming up?  Happy 10 years, Degrassi.  When I need my dose of high school drama, to feel as if I am back in high school again (okay, not really), I will come to you.  If there is nothing else on television, I will watch you.  When conversation lacks pizazz, I will talk about you.  When I just really need to know what hairstyle Spinner is rockin’, or who Manny or Emma will end up with next, I just can’t resist.  Thank you, Degrassi, the guiltiest of pleasures.  Secret Life of the American Teenager has nothing on you. ;D

P.S.  I love every Canadian ounce of your “aboot”s, “sorrie”‘s , and “eh?”s.

–

Dani

Photo Phriday #2

List of things

Originally posted on Facebook, this is my list of things.

::Edit:: 3/30/2010…
::Edit:: 5/20/2010…
::Edit:: 6/20/2010…

1.Fall in love with the right guy for once.

2.A. Get engaged. B. Marry my best friend.

3. Live in Ireland for at least a few months, hopefully a year.

4. Publish at least one novel.

5. Obtain my tattooing license.

6. Have my own family.

7. Read every book on my ever-expanding reading list.

8. Work as a bartender.

9. Work in a bookstore.

10. Become fluent in a foreign language.

11. Travel.

12. Live in the city.

13. Really make a difference and help people.

14. Own ‘our’ own home.

15. Have too many pets. =]

16. Convince Matthew to become a vegetarian.

17. Graduate from high school.

18. Eventually do the college thing.

19. Learn to knit.

20. Get better at crocheting.

21. Paint a masterpiece.

22. Do photography on the side.

23. Own my own hamburger phone.

24. Live in a crazy apartment.

25. Manage to cook several things at once without ruining a single dish.

26. Kiss a girl, and like it!

27. Own a hybrid!

28. Own my own car in general.

29. Be as close to environmentally friendly as possible.

30. Create and sell my own art.

31. Spend the rest of my life with him.

32. Direct a play.

33. Write and publish a play.

34. Be an inspiration to someone.

35. Be an aunt.

36. Be a Godmother.

37. Be a Bride’s Maid.

38. Be a Maid of Honor.

39. Learn to swing dance!!!

40. Have a daughter. (At least one–When I start having children I will not stop trying until I get a girl!)

41. Model. (Yeah, I know I’m too short.)

42. Witness a miracle.

43. Witness the birth of an/a animal/litter.

44. Get a tattoo!

45. Get my lip, nose, or eyebrow pierced.

46. Be confident about my singing voice.

47. Go on a road trip with no predetermined destination.

48. Travel by plane, train, and automobile.

49. Move in with the love of my life.

50. Make my own wine.

51. Make dandelion wine.

52. See the Washington Capitals win the Stanley Cup.

53…

IDepression?

I have been struggling a good deal lately, but I feel I have also made progress in several areas of my life. For instance, I registered for classes. I am officially a college student, woo!

Here is the thing though, tonight is not a good night for me. I am upset because some close friends of mine really hurt me by all getting together and having a “girly’s day”, on Tuesday, and blatantly not inviting me. Things like this seem to happen to me a lot. I’m questioning what friendships really mean anything anymore, I am questioning whether to step back now, away from some and save myself from too much more hurt. I feel there have been so many situations like this one, or worse situations in the past that involved the same people. Or others, I suppose. A lot of people I am feeling a serious disconnect from, or have seriously been hurt by.

Basically, I am in a slump, relationship wise, at least. “And when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done” (-Dr. Seuss)
Alright, so that isn’t really what I want to talk about, although it is somewhat relevant(I swear!) in setting the mood for my struggle. What is really bothering me now, is something that came up a few weeks ago-when I was having an equally shitty night, just one of those nights- and has haunted me since.  Now, oftentimes I wear my heart on my sleeve-I’m pretty bipolar and can’t say I’m fully consistent in that respect, but it is likely that when I am upset, it will be obvious to you.  Also, having the anxiety disorder that I do, well, I’m pretty sensitive and have bad nights like these on a regular basis (depending on the definition of “a regular basis”). And finally, I will admit that sometimes with the personality type I have, my status updates on Facebook will reflect my mood, about the same deal as seeing me and speaking to me in person…honestly, I don’t mean to. It just happens.

Cutting to the chase– I post an update that is very simple, on a bad night “Danielle: is feeling sad.”…my first comment, a friend, who doesn’t see me or speak to me often;(in a nutshell:) “Oh, Danielle sad. I just thought that was how you always are”

Ouch. What more can I even say in this post? Just thinking about it again makes me cringe. I can feel tears welling in my eyes. Never had I felt so truly defined and defeated by my depression.

This is not all of me. There is more. I hope that no one else in the world, who is going through a hard time, or struggles from bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, etc, has to take to heart that people, even people who are supposed to be friends, are defining them by something that they so painfully are fighting and needing to break free from and are most likely already struggling not to define themselves by.

I am not just a loser, I am not a “debbie-downer”, I am not always unhappy, I am not a joke.

It is a struggle to believe these things myself, but I know they are true. When anyone is being pulled down by any struggle in their life, you do not have the right to define them by that alone.

And if you are the one struggling, please do not let anyone try to throw it back in your face.

I, for one, registered for classes today. I’m proud of myself. I also have had my feelings hurt within the past few days, and it doesn’t feel good…I’m reacting as such. This makes me human.