An Update

After somewhat of a stressful afternoon, I made it to my psychiatrist appointment at 3:30 today.  It had been over a year since I had been in to see him, or seek any help, or take any antidepressants or sleep aids.  My anxiety and depression and my insomnia have been pretty bad lately, so this has been an issue.  Today I was put back on my prescription for both my sleep aid and my antidepressant, a lower dose than what I was taking, to start, but it is a start.  I shouldn’t still be awake right now, as I have taken my Trazodone, and should start to feel very drowsy soon, but it is going to take a while for my body’s internal clock to adjust again.  I am both excited and scared, but mostly I guess I feel relieved that I have taken this step.  I will not be receiving counseling, as my doctor as well as my previous therapist and I have all agreed that it is not necessary for me at this time.  Please pray for me for strength, and for clarity, and I will pray for all those who are going through the same sorts of problems.  I am sort of thankful I have gotten as comfortable with talking about this as I have, I know it is hard for nearly everyone who suffers from depression to speak up and ask for help, or feel okay and secure enough to talk about it with anyone.

I wish I could really talk about my experience today and how life has been altogether lately, but I started a bit too late this evening, I am feeling a little tired now and I think that’s my cue to lay down and shut my eyes, or at least read a few pages of my book until I pass out.  I am really hoping for a good night of sleep.

Good night, anyone who is actually reading this before bed.

–

Dani

Who Needs Sleep?

My insomnia seems to be back in full force. It has been hell trying to get to sleep nearly every night.

Although today was great, it should also have been tiring. Two cookouts with swimming and fireworks, chasing around my Goddaughter and keeping up with everything going on.. It is ridiculous that I can’t sleep. It is impossible to shut off a stressed and depressed brain though.

Depression sucks. And mine is getting worse. Night time is always the worst. Even if you aren’t alone, being the only one awake is excruciatingly lonely. Your thoughts turn against you, you think the worst of everything, and sometimes you get to that point of “There is nothing good in my life…I can’t freaking stand my life…I can’t take this anymore”–and of course the language and imagery are much more violently colorful in your mind–in my mind right now– and you just know (I just know) it is a bad night.

I can’t wait for my doctors’ appointment: a sentence I thought would never even cross my mind and yet I am typing it out for the whole Internets to see. Hah.

I guess I should be proud, that although I can not sleep to save my life, and I am horribly depressed, that I can now for the most part rationalize it. I still have suicidal urges, hell, I am convinced that once you think it once or maybe for long enough, that it never totally goes away– That is a door that once opened, you will never completely close– but now I can almost always know that doing anything to hurt myself is not logical and that I am not thinking correctly when I think those things. I mean, seriously, almost always. No one is always that logical. I have struggled with depression for about 6 years now though, and I am still a survivor.

I guess I am just saying, damn I really want to get back on my antidepressants and my sleep aid would be great right now, but hey at least I can tell myself that I want to live when I get suicidal? Lol.

Or this is just totally irrelevant rambling.  Still, I can praise myself for not killing myself when the chemicals in my brain tell me it’s a good idea even when I’m not on any meds, but, my depression still has way more of a hold on me than I wish it did.  Sometimes I think it will always be that way.

I can’t even sleep.  Can’t even stop thinking so much.

Lame.

–

Dani

Zoroastrianism