Look! It’s the bottom of this page! And how many views do I have? An awesome amount. It might not seem like much to some of you big time bloggers, but it’s an achievement I’m pretty jazzed about. Thank you so much to all of my readers! I love you guys! And so does Tonks, look how happy he is…
Well, it might have something to do with that cheeseburger too… but I love you guys. “] Thank you again!
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Dani(elle)
Building Sandcastles
Because sometimes, the water is damn cold and sitting on the beach in the sun is more fun. And who doesn’t enjoy building sandcastles? And enjoying each others’ company (especially when you’re with some of the young kids in your life who aren’t going to sit with you and be kids and build sandcastles forever…soaking up some of their youth is always a good thing).
I find it’s great to make the best of any trip to the beach, so I recommend doing every fun thing that you can while you are there. As I have said a hundred times before, doing the simple things that keep us young and hopeful and happy, they really are worth it.
Enjoy your weekend, everyone! I hope you are all slowing down and finding simple happiness-es everywhere. <3
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Dani
I hope you can find the things that make you feel “pretty” and you have a little more fun with them, and you feel even prettier. Everyone deserves the fun random stuff that makes them feel beautiful.
Boots
What makes you feel pretty?
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Dani
Last night my dream was terrifying. It started out well, I was on… a ship? A cruise ship, I think. I was a child…I think. There were lots of other children and I know I had become close to one boy. It turned out not all of these children were children. They were something of the supernatural, and they were older. It was hard to say whether they were adults trapped in young bodies or something older and darker. I know some of them were darker. I can picture some detailed moments from this dream but I can’t describe them. I do know that one of these “kids” turned out to be a grown women, or maybe something older. She would show up with a knife and stab me. I knew I was in a dream after about the first scene, but the terrifying part is that I couldn’t make myself wake up. But I tried every time my friend, the young boy, got killed or left me, and every time this female figure would shriek and pull out a knife to drive through me.
Every time I tried to will myself to wake up, I ended up somewhere else, and this women was there, she would scream, she looked gruesome… and then she would pull out this knife and try to kill me. I tried to wake up from each “dream” or different “level” of my dream…but each time I was in a new place, like on the side of a beautifully haunted mountain scene, and she would appear, and it would all play out again. Close my eyes, try to open them and wake up, end up in a new place, same villain is there trying to kill me…and really just freak me out. This happened over ten times before I finally woke up drenched in sweat. I have a feeling I was screaming in my sleep, a lot.
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Dani
This is something that I hope to do in the future, when I remember my dreams well. I am trying to master Lucid Dreaming again (inspired by Inception, of course) and I find that keeping a dream journal really helps. Anyway, on the nights when I actually beat my insomnia, my meds keep my dreams very vivid and it’s fun to write them down, and keeps you remembering all of your dreams. Enjoy!
I can remember Matthew and I having a party, we had lots of food set up and a few people helping us. We were at my house. We were sitting in the blue room chatting about food. More people came over later, there was music, and there were dim colored lights. Strange men kept coming up to me and trying to get me to dance, or do something else. There was an eery feel to this part. I couldn’t find Matthew, I think he went out for ice. There was another room that I suppose was attached to my house. I guess it was a sun room, or in this case a moon room, because sometimes it seemed like we were indoors, sometimes outside in the night. There were several white metal porch swings. Matthew was sitting out there at times, and so was I. I think my sister was there too, and a few others that I did not know. I don’t remember the conversation but I remember it felt stressful, maybe an argument, mostly sadness. I think this is because I fell asleep thinking how much I don’t want to do long distance again if he moves back to York without me for the year. It’s a huge strain on our relationship and I had vowed after 3 years of us being apart, in different states that it, I wanted to finally be together. I can’t recall much else of this party scene, aside from the strange men, and the odd feeling in my stomach, the fear.
Later I was at a new house. I was not me. I was part of a family who was moving from an apartment to a beautiful new house in a different neighborhood. I also remember climbing trees, maybe a tree house. But it was back to that dark sense in the tree. We had old neighbors come to the new house, this family I was in was very religious, Catholic I think. They lived around other Catholics. These neighbors who visited were worried about us leaving them, as if somehow it pertained to our faith. We assured them all was well. The new house was beautiful, but some of the walls didn’t match, they looked good together but it was strange they did not match.
The third “level” I remember (Hah Inception) was at another strange place, very dark. Actually, at first we were back at the party, and there were all old women there. Sitting around in a knitting circle or something. Then we were at this dark outside place. Trying to open up this attic/cellar…it was hard to tell which. We were trying to get into my great-grandmother’s house, and I am not sure why. I think we needed to see her. It was grimy and there were spider webs, and everything was black. There was a line to open a trap door. There were about five of us, I remember Matthew, and also my mother and father, I think. I don’t remember if we made it inside.
Next, I am in a small room. Alone. There are strange knick-knacks everywhere. They are fascinating. I start to realize the strangeness of the dream, this is a dream. I am nearly spinning around looking at everything, every picture and figurine and watching them change brilliantly. I know it is a draem. But I don’t choose to wake up. I am lucid, and I change my surroundings willingly. I am testing to see if this works, and I think back to a memory of sitting on my huge golden retriever when I was only about 5, and tiny. I rode him around until he ran and dropped me. In the lucid part of my dream last night, I decided that I wanted to be in a beautiful green orchard, riding a giant golden retriever like a horse. It felt childlike, and fun. Eventually, I changed my surroundings again and I can remember when I decided to wake up, I do this the same every time, ever since I was a child. When I am ready to wake up, often when I realize that a nightmare is just a dream, I close my eyes tight in dream world, just like in real world, and then when I open them I am willing myself to physically open my eyes. It works every time.
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Dani
I thought this would be fun and a little goofy at the same time. I wanted to do my whole list at once, but say hello to another series. I can’t take all of those pictures right now, and I want to start today. I hope you can find some fun things that make you feel “pretty” and that this will make you have a little more fun with them, and you feel even prettier. Everyone deserves the fun random stuff that makes them feel beautiful.
But anywho, #1:
Red Lipstick
Or, more accurately, Vintage Wine
I know, super classy. 
What makes you feel pretty?
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Dani
PS. This is not me being full of myself, I swear. I feel like I should apologize for being the model in a lot of my own pictures, hopefully I will have a little more variety soon. Also, I honestly do want to know what makes you feel beautiful. “]
After somewhat of a stressful afternoon, I made it to my psychiatrist appointment at 3:30 today. It had been over a year since I had been in to see him, or seek any help, or take any antidepressants or sleep aids. My anxiety and depression and my insomnia have been pretty bad lately, so this has been an issue. Today I was put back on my prescription for both my sleep aid and my antidepressant, a lower dose than what I was taking, to start, but it is a start. I shouldn’t still be awake right now, as I have taken my Trazodone, and should start to feel very drowsy soon, but it is going to take a while for my body’s internal clock to adjust again. I am both excited and scared, but mostly I guess I feel relieved that I have taken this step. I will not be receiving counseling, as my doctor as well as my previous therapist and I have all agreed that it is not necessary for me at this time. Please pray for me for strength, and for clarity, and I will pray for all those who are going through the same sorts of problems. I am sort of thankful I have gotten as comfortable with talking about this as I have, I know it is hard for nearly everyone who suffers from depression to speak up and ask for help, or feel okay and secure enough to talk about it with anyone.
I wish I could really talk about my experience today and how life has been altogether lately, but I started a bit too late this evening, I am feeling a little tired now and I think that’s my cue to lay down and shut my eyes, or at least read a few pages of my book until I pass out. I am really hoping for a good night of sleep.
Good night, anyone who is actually reading this before bed.
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Dani
My insomnia seems to be back in full force. It has been hell trying to get to sleep nearly every night.
Although today was great, it should also have been tiring. Two cookouts with swimming and fireworks, chasing around my Goddaughter and keeping up with everything going on.. It is ridiculous that I can’t sleep. It is impossible to shut off a stressed and depressed brain though.
Depression sucks. And mine is getting worse. Night time is always the worst. Even if you aren’t alone, being the only one awake is excruciatingly lonely. Your thoughts turn against you, you think the worst of everything, and sometimes you get to that point of “There is nothing good in my life…I can’t freaking stand my life…I can’t take this anymore”–and of course the language and imagery are much more violently colorful in your mind–in my mind right now– and you just know (I just know) it is a bad night.
I can’t wait for my doctors’ appointment: a sentence I thought would never even cross my mind and yet I am typing it out for the whole Internets to see. Hah.
I guess I should be proud, that although I can not sleep to save my life, and I am horribly depressed, that I can now for the most part rationalize it. I still have suicidal urges, hell, I am convinced that once you think it once or maybe for long enough, that it never totally goes away– That is a door that once opened, you will never completely close– but now I can almost always know that doing anything to hurt myself is not logical and that I am not thinking correctly when I think those things. I mean, seriously, almost always. No one is always that logical. I have struggled with depression for about 6 years now though, and I am still a survivor.
I guess I am just saying, damn I really want to get back on my antidepressants and my sleep aid would be great right now, but hey at least I can tell myself that I want to live when I get suicidal? Lol.
Or this is just totally irrelevant rambling. Still, I can praise myself for not killing myself when the chemicals in my brain tell me it’s a good idea even when I’m not on any meds, but, my depression still has way more of a hold on me than I wish it did. Sometimes I think it will always be that way.
I can’t even sleep. Can’t even stop thinking so much.
Lame.
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Dani
Getting a Tattoo
My first tattoo
I think sitting by the pool writing a blog update from my dsi might be both very nerdy and dedicated.
Now, “getting a tattoo” okay, I’m sure I’ve got some of you cringing here… It really isn’t as bad as it sounds. “) And I’m not saying you should just run out and get one for no reason, but the beauty of tattoos is that they can hold monumental meaning and be unique to the ones receiving them.
{My tattoo means a lot to me, love, Christ’s love, new life and forgiveness as well as overcoming less than flattering struggles for me. The placement represents overcoming hurting myself and my depression no matter how bad it gets.}
Therefore, if you really know for sure you want one, I think it’s an amazing idea. You should have a good concept drawn out especially for you and either design it yourself or work with an artist to sketch out exactly what you want. Make sure the picture is clear and the artist is your best choice, and he uses the most up to date guidelines for cleaning his equipment. And really, enjoy the experience. It isn’t too painful but I recommend having a close friend come with you and holding your hand.
And, okay, for those of you a little too afraid of needles, or that aren’t ready to mark themselves with something that will last forever, go get yourself a henna, or even one of those stick on with a washcloth ones…they are fun, and I definitely think any kind of tattoo is worth trying at least once. Enjoy the rest of your Thursday, everyone!
Temporary?
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Dani
Yesterday I made some calls to make doctors’ appointments that are long overdue. Unfortunately, the doctor that I wanted to see as my primary/womens’ doctor, the same one who sees my mom and sister, is not taking new patients until August 25th. This is very inconvenient for me, especially because I have some health issues that I want to have addressed as soon as possible.
After I got off the phone with them I called my old Psychiatrist and set up an appointment to manage my depression and anxiety as well as my insomnia with him. He is able to see me on Tuesday, thankfully. I had been hoping to get this straight all with one doctor, but hopefully he can get me back on my old meds or something that will work a little better. Then, when I do see my new doctor, I should have a better idea of what I need and she can just prescribe that.
Another concern is my chronic pain and numbness, which is probably caused by Fibromyalgia, which of course is a big problem in my family. There isn’t a lot that can be done for treatment, but hopefully a prescription for a higher dose of ibuprofen could do me some good. Thank God until then my insurance card still covers Icy Hot and Asper cream…who knows what I would do without the stuff.
I really hope my appointment(s) go well and I can overall have a better look on life and feel better about myself and about my life. I also need to make an appointment with my allergies& asthma specialist and get a refill for my inhalers as well as a new prescription for my allergies…I’ve been resorting to Claritin since I ran out of the stuff she gave me, but it is not doing anything anymore. I’m considering biting the bullet and asking her about allergy shots again. I have really heard mixed thoughts on whether they are worth it or not, but I need to make a decision within the next year or so as I’m not sure how long my insurance will cover it.
Oh, Also I need to get my wisdom teeth out and get a consult for invisilign hah.
This all is a big deal, the fact that I finally called and made the appointments, mostly because I’ve been putting some of this off for like the past year… Depression for one thing, is very hard to deal with… and there is a certain fear in being diagnosed with and/or treated for bipolar disorder or depression or an anxiety disorder… What if there is something really wrong with me? What if they can’t fix it? What if the meds don’t work, or don’t work again? I mean, maybe part of it is because when I first really addressed the problem, talked to a therapist about it, at a time when I was having severe suicidal thoughts, I was a minor. And I went to the hospital. I met some great people in the program, and started receiving some sort of treatment..but that’s about all the good that it did. Something that “Level 5″ had wrong was a false idea that depression could be cured. You convince ‘em you’re all better, they give you a discharge. BS. It’s not that easy, it’s never been that easy. Some of it was more traumatizing than helpful at first. And so how do you go back to a doctor and feel hopeful after that? And sometimes I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of, but it’s still hard to face the truth. I’ve been so afraid to face my health problems that I’ve just been ignoring them, and that really can’t be a good thing.
I don’t know what the point of this is, but I suppose it has something to do with addressing problems and fears I think others might also have to deal with. Or maybe I’m just trying to open up a little bit and let some of the stress out. Sorry I gave you so much to read, if you stuck around this long, I thank you. “]
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Dani
