You are important.

I may not be the best writer in the world. I may never get there. My blog is fluff most of the time; at least that is how I feel lately. That’s why I don’t write all that much anymore. There is one thing that I know; I am passionate. I… love. I am driven by this need to help people. Ultimately, maybe that is really what I want my writing to do.

Ultimately, it is what I want to do.

Here is what else (some words that I less wrote that more so escaped):

I see you. You’re depressed. You’ve been hurt. You are broken. I love you. It’s going to be okay. I’ve been you; I am you.

I want to reach out and touch you because I know it feels impossible. I want you to know that you can grow stronger because of this. It isn’t your fault. You aren’t weak. You are strong and you are beautiful.

Listen to me! Don’t listen to them! Don’t listen to those that hate, that mock. You CAN make it. You CAN find happiness. It is okay to need help. It is okay to sometimes feel the way you do. It is normal. You are not bad; you are not wrong; you are not damaged; you are good. You know this; you want to know this.

Please, listen to me. Reach out to those around you. Reach out far. There is someone who wants you to be happy. They won’t always get it right, but there is always someone there who can help. They want to help, just like I want to help.

If I could, I would do all that I could to fix your life, but we are strangers only united by that idea. What I can do is maybe tell you honestly that I have been there, and some days, some months, some years, I still am. But I am still here. And I can do good. I can love. I do love. Very much. I think that it is worth something… I know I am worth something. And you are too, even though some days you don’t believe it, maybe even most days.

Please remember what I am saying. Remember what you read here; if you ever feel broken down, if you ever feel like you can’t make it. You can. You are beautiful and strong. This is important.

Reach out to me, reach out to anyone. You matter. You are loved. You are important.

Love, love, and more love,

Danielle

Things that make me feel pretty #3

Blush

Things that make me feel pretty #2

I hope you can find the things that make you feel “pretty” and you have a little more fun with them, and you feel even prettier.  Everyone deserves the fun random stuff that makes them feel beautiful.

Boots

What makes you feel pretty?

–

Dani

An Update

After somewhat of a stressful afternoon, I made it to my psychiatrist appointment at 3:30 today.  It had been over a year since I had been in to see him, or seek any help, or take any antidepressants or sleep aids.  My anxiety and depression and my insomnia have been pretty bad lately, so this has been an issue.  Today I was put back on my prescription for both my sleep aid and my antidepressant, a lower dose than what I was taking, to start, but it is a start.  I shouldn’t still be awake right now, as I have taken my Trazodone, and should start to feel very drowsy soon, but it is going to take a while for my body’s internal clock to adjust again.  I am both excited and scared, but mostly I guess I feel relieved that I have taken this step.  I will not be receiving counseling, as my doctor as well as my previous therapist and I have all agreed that it is not necessary for me at this time.  Please pray for me for strength, and for clarity, and I will pray for all those who are going through the same sorts of problems.  I am sort of thankful I have gotten as comfortable with talking about this as I have, I know it is hard for nearly everyone who suffers from depression to speak up and ask for help, or feel okay and secure enough to talk about it with anyone.

I wish I could really talk about my experience today and how life has been altogether lately, but I started a bit too late this evening, I am feeling a little tired now and I think that’s my cue to lay down and shut my eyes, or at least read a few pages of my book until I pass out.  I am really hoping for a good night of sleep.

Good night, anyone who is actually reading this before bed.

–

Dani

Who Needs Sleep?

My insomnia seems to be back in full force. It has been hell trying to get to sleep nearly every night.

Although today was great, it should also have been tiring. Two cookouts with swimming and fireworks, chasing around my Goddaughter and keeping up with everything going on.. It is ridiculous that I can’t sleep. It is impossible to shut off a stressed and depressed brain though.

Depression sucks. And mine is getting worse. Night time is always the worst. Even if you aren’t alone, being the only one awake is excruciatingly lonely. Your thoughts turn against you, you think the worst of everything, and sometimes you get to that point of “There is nothing good in my life…I can’t freaking stand my life…I can’t take this anymore”–and of course the language and imagery are much more violently colorful in your mind–in my mind right now– and you just know (I just know) it is a bad night.

I can’t wait for my doctors’ appointment: a sentence I thought would never even cross my mind and yet I am typing it out for the whole Internets to see. Hah.

I guess I should be proud, that although I can not sleep to save my life, and I am horribly depressed, that I can now for the most part rationalize it. I still have suicidal urges, hell, I am convinced that once you think it once or maybe for long enough, that it never totally goes away– That is a door that once opened, you will never completely close– but now I can almost always know that doing anything to hurt myself is not logical and that I am not thinking correctly when I think those things. I mean, seriously, almost always. No one is always that logical. I have struggled with depression for about 6 years now though, and I am still a survivor.

I guess I am just saying, damn I really want to get back on my antidepressants and my sleep aid would be great right now, but hey at least I can tell myself that I want to live when I get suicidal? Lol.

Or this is just totally irrelevant rambling.  Still, I can praise myself for not killing myself when the chemicals in my brain tell me it’s a good idea even when I’m not on any meds, but, my depression still has way more of a hold on me than I wish it did.  Sometimes I think it will always be that way.

I can’t even sleep.  Can’t even stop thinking so much.

Lame.

–

Dani

Zoroastrianism

List of things

Originally posted on Facebook, this is my list of things.

::Edit:: 3/30/2010…
::Edit:: 5/20/2010…
::Edit:: 6/20/2010…

1.Fall in love with the right guy for once.

2.A. Get engaged. B. Marry my best friend.

3. Live in Ireland for at least a few months, hopefully a year.

4. Publish at least one novel.

5. Obtain my tattooing license.

6. Have my own family.

7. Read every book on my ever-expanding reading list.

8. Work as a bartender.

9. Work in a bookstore.

10. Become fluent in a foreign language.

11. Travel.

12. Live in the city.

13. Really make a difference and help people.

14. Own ‘our’ own home.

15. Have too many pets. =]

16. Convince Matthew to become a vegetarian.

17. Graduate from high school.

18. Eventually do the college thing.

19. Learn to knit.

20. Get better at crocheting.

21. Paint a masterpiece.

22. Do photography on the side.

23. Own my own hamburger phone.

24. Live in a crazy apartment.

25. Manage to cook several things at once without ruining a single dish.

26. Kiss a girl, and like it!

27. Own a hybrid!

28. Own my own car in general.

29. Be as close to environmentally friendly as possible.

30. Create and sell my own art.

31. Spend the rest of my life with him.

32. Direct a play.

33. Write and publish a play.

34. Be an inspiration to someone.

35. Be an aunt.

36. Be a Godmother.

37. Be a Bride’s Maid.

38. Be a Maid of Honor.

39. Learn to swing dance!!!

40. Have a daughter. (At least one–When I start having children I will not stop trying until I get a girl!)

41. Model. (Yeah, I know I’m too short.)

42. Witness a miracle.

43. Witness the birth of an/a animal/litter.

44. Get a tattoo!

45. Get my lip, nose, or eyebrow pierced.

46. Be confident about my singing voice.

47. Go on a road trip with no predetermined destination.

48. Travel by plane, train, and automobile.

49. Move in with the love of my life.

50. Make my own wine.

51. Make dandelion wine.

52. See the Washington Capitals win the Stanley Cup.

53…